Kaizen

 

Have you ever asked God for signs and actually lived to see and experience it unfold in front of your eyes? Have you ever experienced a miracle so detailed and specific that you still think about it even after years it happened? Because as I'm writing this now, I still can't wrap my head around what happened at the end of last year. And I know for sure I'll still think about this in the years to come. 

Just a little disclaimer: I wish I had the writing skills and talent to vividly capture and tell the story of that day and the days after that but I don't, so I'll understand if people will find this story not as captivating as I presented it to be. I'm sorry but I promise I tried my best.

So here's the thing, months after I turned 20 when I was finally ready I wrote down my standards for a future husband. For the next couple of years, I waited and waited but nothing happened. So I buried the written standards under my files of unfulfilled dreams and instead, I've been instructing God about who I want to date and how I want to meet that guy. Was I serious about them? Maybe? Was I expecting it to happen in real life? Absolutely not. They were just signs I was imposing on Him but I knew better that His plans were better than mine. But months ago, everything I ever dreamed of happened.

But first, let me tell you the three signs I've imposed on Him:

In 2020, when my oldest sister started dating her high school classmate(they're now married), and my second sister was (still is) dating her college classmate I told God I wanted my future boyfriend to either be my elementary classmate or someone I completely didn't know from school. I know it's weird but I didn't want to break the chain. Haha.

In 2021, when I started taking my Catholic faith seriously, I told Him, that I wanted someone serious about his faith too. Someone who goes to Church every Sunday(the list goes on and on) and would raise our future children to honor God. Well, that was reasonable, wasn't it?

Lastly, in 2023, when my sister and I started living together and I noticed that every man and woman approached her before me because apparently, she had a friendlier demeanor while I had a bitchy resting face, I told God I wanted to meet my future someone with her, I specifically asked Him, that I wanted the guy to talk to me first before her, that way I was sure he could handle my not so vibrant personality. I know it sounds crazy, but at that time, I was just saying that to God, not expecting Him to do so. 

But then the 3rd week of November 2023 happened, with all the health issues I'd suffered for the past months and as requested by my parents for me to leave Tagbilaran, I was looking for a new boarding house to stay in our hometown, which was near to our barangay. It was Sunday, and my sister offered to accompany me after the Holy Mass.

When we arrived at the place, the neighbor told us that the sister of the owner who was managing the place was still at church, so we waited a little bit. A few moments later she arrived and we started talking with her about the place.

Minutes later and out of nowhere a guy approached us and introduced himself to me, “Hi, kaila man ta, classmate ta sauna.” I looked him in the eyes and I stared at his face, and with the life of me, I couldn’t remember him, at all. I surveyed him from his well-built body, tattooed left arm, and back to his face but I still couldn’t recognize him. “Ha? Sorry, wa jud ko kahinumdum nimo, asa ta ga classmate? Sa highschool?” I asked while mentally racking my brain for a picture of this guy in my class Yearbook. “Sa elementary”, he said while smiling. But I couldn’t still remember his face, and I started to panic. My family and I knew that I was very good at remembering names, people, and events but it seemed like at that moment my memory was failing me (Yatis, mao naman kaha ni resultas anesthesia). So, he stated his name “Si Kaizen, katong ang balay namo sauna dapit sa____, kahinumdum man ko ninyo, kamong duha sa imong igsuon,” and he acknowledged my sister. And boom! Of course, I knew him! Or, rather I knew of him. I actually knew of his family. We haven’t seen each other for 12 years but my father always talks about them. They left their old house after elementary, and I didn't know where they went after that and never bothered to care.

I beamed and started asking him questions about where had he been and how was his family, and just out of nowhere while standing in front of the guy surrounded by my sister and other two people, something flashed in my eyes. It was a vision, Jesus was smiling and a series of images sprung out of my mind: 

1. He was my Elementary classmate even if how weird that I didn’t remember his face at all.

2. He is a Catholic because he just came back from Church with his Aunt and just like us he was still wearing his church clothes.

3. Lastly, he approached me first before my sister.  

My mind was blown away, there was no way was it happening. That vision was crazy. First, I never experienced something like that before. I am not a psychic. Second, I was looking for a boarding house, not a boyfriend. And lastly, there's no way I would meet THE guy while I was wearing a weird Chinese dress with a hole in its right armpit. But of course, I didn't show anything to anyone. I was keeping it all in. No one knew about the 3 signs but me. My body was there but my mind was in another dimension. I didn't feel 'kilig' or any special feelings towards him but he was hot (Sorry Lord!) and I could see the potential. I didn't feel like I was meeting the ONE but who knows? Nobody knows! 

A few moments later, after checking the place with half of my brain cells barely functioning, we left with his Facebook on my phone and a seed of interest in my heart. 

When we went back home, my sister and I recounted the story to my parents and they started laughing and teasing me that I might have met my future someone, and that their prayers for my gray love life might be coming to fruition. At the time I was so used to them teasing me with every guy I met but in my mind, I was shaking my head because they knew nothing. They knew nothing at all! Wait until they find out about the 3 signs, but I wouldn’t say it to them. 

Later that night, with a heart full of excitement I texted him and after 10 minutes of exchanging messages, I was 70% sure he wasn’t interested in me. I could feel it in my guts. I felt really disappointed because if you asked me, the potential was high. I found him physically attractive and he’s not a jEjEmOn when we were texting. He was polite, witty, and professional. And I internally screamed ‘AHHHHH LORD SAYANG’. I wasn’t thinking we would end up together but I at least wanted to get to know him. But I guess we won't have everything we want in our life.

So, the day after (Monday) I texted him about the place and that I decided not to stay there blah blah blah, and when the conversation was ending, I offered everything to God and told him 'See you when I see you' in which he replied 'See you! Soon.'

That was it, and I felt horrible. I thought there was something, but I was wrong. I was asking God, why did he show those signs? Why would he show that vision? I prayed and prayed and I came to the conclusion that maybe God just wanted me to know that He is listening to everything I say, that even if how doubtful was I in this decision to move to a new place, I was on the right track. 

Tuesday and Wednesday passed like a blur while I finally moved into a new place just in the heart of our town. I still felt weak. I couldn't take my mind off those signs, so I caved in and told my sister (Etin) all about it and she was shocked. She said she felt something as well when she saw us interacting but if  I felt he wasn't interested I should just pray about it and leave it to God. She also mentioned that if I was really interested in him, I gotta do what I had to do. God gives us free will to do what we want to do.  

On Thursday, I was still out of my mind. I hate it when there are questions left unanswered. I talked about it with my Japanese friend, and he told me I should tell the guy, that I want to get to know him. He said something like this, ''You're 24, just tell him you want to get to know him, if he says he has a girlfriend or he is not interested in you, then okay. You can start moving on. Life is short, don't live it inside your head.''

So, I did. I gritted my teeth and held my breath. I prayed and asked for God's guidance, and then I crafted the most sincere message I've written my whole life.

I basically said, 'Hey, you know what, I don't really like chatting online but when I saw you again, I got really interested in you. I want to get to know you. So I'm going to ask if you have a girlfriend or if you're pursuing someone so that I would know not to have malice in my approach towards you. So that, everything will be platonic. It's just for my peace of mind. Haha.'

As I was sending the message, I was 96% sure he didn't like me. I was sure of it but I still sent it anyway. I was so tired of living inside my head. I was so prepared for the rejection reply, in fact, I was expecting it. What worse could he say? That he didn't like me and he had a girlfriend? Well, I was already expecting that.

But what happened next was worse than that. He didn't reject me. Well, not in words but in action.

HE READ MY MESSAGE BUT DIDN'T REPLY! 

AHHHHHHHHH!

It was humiliating. Our conversation before that was genuine and polite. I thought highly of him. I thought the worst he could say was he wasn't interested but gosh, being in a seenzone was worst. He just rejected me in 100 different ways.

For two days after that, I just wanted to lie down and let the ground swallow me up. My sister was comforting me, saying I was so brave for sending that message, that not everyone could do that, and I should give him the benefit of the doubt. My Japanese friend told me, that now I could finally move on because it was crystal clear he didn't like me. Another friend of mine told me, that, that guy was straight-out disrespectful, my message was so sincere, that a reply should have been a must. But I wasn't thinking anything. I KNEW NOTHING! BECAUSE REMEMBER, I DIDN'T RECEIVE A REPLY!

Now looking back at it with clearer eyes and a brighter mind, I realized that God just wanted me to learn two things.  

1. He listens to whatever I say even how ridiculous some of them are. He wants me to trust His plans and not make up my own ways of how things should be done. I should trust Him, completely.

2. He wants me to get out of my comfort zone. I'd been shielding my heart for years, and I didn't realize I'd been protecting it too much to the point no one could access it. I should protect my heart but let people feel and see it.

How everything ended was a little bit hurtful, but gosh it was worth it. I learned a lot and I got to live and experience a very detailed miracle that only I probably could understand.

To Kaizen:

May the ocean be kind and the winds be gentle when you set sail!

Anyway, enough with the drama, thank you for being part of this miracle. God bless you and your family. Unya, ingun akong Papa regards daw sya forever sa imong Papa. Haha.